Friday, October 1, 2010

I don't know where to start.

I hate how one minute I will be doing fine, just going about my business like normal, and then the next minute something will happen that will snap me back into reality and make me realize that, oh yeah, I'm alone, at a new school, all of my best friends are in Missouri, and I don't know anyone here.

I have to admit that things have gotten a little easier.  I have been at UNT for more than a month now and I have fallen into my routine.  No, I don't miss everyone less than I did before, but I have gotten used, or at least somewhat used, to the situation.  I consider myself to be a friendly and social person, but I am having an incredibly hard time meeting people.  Yes, I talk to people in my classes and am beginning to see familiar faces around campus, but that's about the extent of my social life.  

I live in an upperclassmen dorm, which means that there are no community building or "getting to know you" activities like there are in freshmen dorms.  There have been a few hall activities, such as a barbecue night, but all of them have been at 7pm on Mondays and Wednesdays, which is when my night classes are.  My dorm is basically a ghost town.  It is usually silent and I never see anyone.  I almost never see my suite mate and I share a bathroom with her.  I have my own room, which can get a little lonely, but I like the privacy and enjoy having my own space.  Sure, I see a few people hanging out in the lobby and playing pool down the hall from time to time.  I guess I could walk up to them and introduce myself, but I never do.  They are in their established group of friends and I don't want to be that awkward, intrusive, weird girl.

I basically do everything alone.  I once absolutely hated and refused to eat my meals alone, but now I don't even give it a second thought because it is just another daily occurrence.  Of course, there are people who also sit alone that I could sit with, but they don't know me and I don't know them, so I scarf down my food and am out of there in fifteen minutes.

Yes, there are some people I went to high school with that go to UNT, but I wasn't close with most of them in high school.  I guess beggars can't be choosers, but I feel uncomfortable going to them.  Plus, they all have been here for a few years and have their own stuff going on.  I understand completely.  I was always busy with school, and sorority, and friends when I was at Mizzou.  I sometimes hated being so busy, but I would kill to have a packed schedule again.

One of my best friends goes to UNT.  I see her occasionally because she's busy with her sorority and school and her own life.  I get it, I really do, but I can't help feeling a little mad that one of my best friends is here and, despite knowing that I am lonely and hurting, she has made little effort to spend time with me.  I know it's not her responsibility to babysit me.  That's not what I'm looking for.  Yes, she has invited me to do things, and every time, I am so, so grateful for it, but I would be perfectly content just hanging out together and doing homework.  I don't need a big production, and honestly, I don't have any money to spend on anything extra, anyway.

My dad called me tonight and told me how worried he is that I don't get out enough and haven't met people yet.  He felt the need to remind me that a social life is part of being in college and he doesn't want me to miss out.  Thank you for the advice.  I realize this.  That's what I lost when I left Mizzou.

I know I am the only one who can put myself out there in an attempt to meet some people.  I just don't even know where to start.  All of this is so much easier said then done.  I am really lost here and I'm having a hard time.  I like being busy with classes and I am continuing my job search.  I go to class, work out, do homework, play around on the internet, watch TV, talk to my friends, and go to sleep early.  That's my life.  I don't always notice it, but I'm lonely, and I really don't feel like I have the means to change that.  Maybe it will be better next semester, once I get into new classes with the people who I have classes with now, but I can't count on that.  I guess I have just started to accept that this is what my life is going to be like here.  I graduate in a little over a year.  Maybe I am just supposed to get my degree and get out.

More to come,

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

i still love you

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